Pain and Suffering? Or Inspiration and Success?

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all…

It’s a simple line from the Lady Antebellum song “Need You Now” (which if you haven’t heard, check it out on YouTube. I love it), but it’s a line that sticks with me every time I hear it.

Now I promise you that all of my blogs won’t be about love and relationships, but it seems like my life is immersed with them right now. I’m watching all of these heartbreaks happen around me and the pain that comes with it. I watch everyone I know ask the one simple question: Why?

My friend Cindy has a brilliant blog (which you should read here, it’s worth your time) and recently she wrote a post about her thirteen year old daughter. I’ve only known Cindy for about 6 months, but she’s already someone I know I will admire for the rest of my life. She’s such a strong woman, but not in an overbearing super-feminist sort of way. She’s got her head together and opinions she can actually back up, and on top of it she’s incredibly smart. I started my blog because of her inspiration, and I find myself looking at things differently because of the perspective she brings to my life.

Oh, look, I’ve gone sappy. Let me get back to my point.

She has tried her best to instill the same sort of optimism and independence in her daughter. If you’d like to read more about this specifically, read the post here. The only thing she couldn’t protect her from, was the heart. She likes a boy, the boy flirts with her daily, then stops answering her texts; that’s the abridged version anyways. In the post, Cindy questions her parenting and wonders what she could have done differently to keep her daughter from hurting this way. How do you build a love proof heart?

While no one wants to watch their child or their friends go through heart ache, my simple answer to that question is you can’t. Actually, my feeling on the matter is you shouldn’t. Think about the times you have really been crushed to the ground and heart broken. The moments where you felt like there was no shining light left. Now look at yourself now. Do you think you would be the person you are today if you hadn’t had your heart broken?

Those who know me know how much I’ve been through in my life. My heartache has stretched far beyond any sort of romantic relationship. My dad has broken my heart repeatedly. My brother has a few times. Several friends have destroyed me. My best friend in the world broke me down once. I feel a lot for people, and in turn it almost always gets me in the end. I still firmly believe I care a lot more for people than I get in return. I’d like to say that I’m not like that because of the lessons I’ve learned,  but frankly it’s something I cannot and will not change. Why?

Yes, I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all…

In some cases, the heartache I’ve felt has made my relationships with my friends stronger. My best friend and I are closer than ever, and I would do absolutely anything for him. That time where he broke my heart, I broke his too. We were just in a bad place and I think we took it out on each other. I wouldn’t go back and change it though. It takes a good heart break to make you stronger.

My dad, however, is a repeat offender. It’s sad when you have to completely disregard a member of your own family, but sometimes it’s necessary. I’m a piñata to my father, where he can just take his hits time and time again. It took me until this year to realize I could no longer take it anymore. But would I go back and change all of the things he’s done to me? Absolutely not. In a way, I should thank him. “Dear Dad, thanks for making my life hell time and time again. You’ll never know how much you’ve actually done for me.” Because I’ve watched my Dad’s shortcomings and failures, it pushes me more and more to be a better, stronger person. I don’t think I’d be working this hard to get through college if I didn’t have the motivation to be the person he never was. I know it sounds harsh. I wish I could explain to you my entire situation but there isn’t enough space on this blog to do it. What you need to know is that he gave up on himself a long time ago, and I will do everything I can to never be like that. I strive to make sure I’m successful in whatever it is I do. As a senior in High School, I never thought I was going to college. Just one day I realized the heartache I’ve been through and knew I could take one of two paths: I could continue the one I was on and struggle every day and be exactly like my father, or I could change my path and make my future happen.

The point is that pain makes you stronger. Call it cliché if you want to, but I’m a living testament to it. Things have never been easy for me, but I’m not complaining. I needed the pain, the shock, the heart break; I needed all of it. Because I am so proud of the independent strong person I am today.

So to those who have broken my heart and will in the future, thank you.