When Life Gives You Lemons...

Oh heyyyyyyyy blog. I’ve kind of neglected you for, what, eight months or so? My bad.


In my defense, I’ve been so busy and my life so consistently changes that I forget what I’m doing on a day to day basis anymore. I know it’s not an excuse, but YOU try working 3 jobs and going to school over the summer and see how that works out for you. Then once school started my life was so dramatic I didn’t feel like documenting it on my blog because it’s not something I’d like to remember years from now. I guess I feel that way about a lot of things that have happened in my life, but I’m stuck with them. It’s all about growing…or whatever.

Either way blog, I’m sorry. And I’m back. Well, for today at least.

I came to blog today because I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, and the only way to get over it is to really write it all down, read it, realize how stupid it is, and give myself a boost back to life. My car breaking down shouldn’t floor me, I mean seriously this damn car has caused me enough problems in my life, but it just brings up a bunch of what ifs.

• What if I stayed in Chatham and had worked full time?

• What if I did what my sister did and went straight into the workforce instead of going to college? Would I be better off in the long run?

• What if my dad didn’t turn out to be a selfish, alcoholic jerk who never takes responsibilities for his actions?

What if, what if, what if…

There’s about a million more I could write, but really what’s the point? I am where I am for a reason. I can’t look back on mistakes and falls because they aren’t going to change. They happened. I got back up again. And they’ll continue to happen. That’s just something I need to get used to.

I also need to stop seeing the bad things in my life as the worst things in my life. Every chip, crack, punch, fall, whatever I call it at the time, comes with a gold star. Being broke has lead to great job opportunities. Months of confusion and hardship has lead to clarity. Lost friendships have lead to better friendships. And while my car breaking down seems devastating to someone who depends on it so much, it could have been a lot worse had I not been in the position I am today. I have a boyfriend who, without question, worked his schedule to share his car with me so I could get to school and work. He calmed me down when I thought I was going to lose it (surprise to the people who know me: I tend to overreact). I have great friends who checked on me, made me laugh, gave me rides, and really grounded me to what my life is, which in all honesty is not that bad. My mass comm girls really made this semester the best.

I also have to make note of the friend who has been there for me since our Jr. High days. No matter what, she's always been there. Even if we don't talk as much as we used to or see each other as much as we should, she's still there for me 100%. She's one of the only people who truly knows me because she's been there through most of my life. If you're reading this, just know it's never gone unnoticed. I am a much stronger person because of everything I've learned from you.

I have my family, who no matter how much we pretend to hate each other on any certain situation, we love each other. We have everyone’s backs and make sure no one is stranded or in trouble, to the best of our ability. We may not be perfect, but we’re loyal. My mom works hard, my sister is the most amazing person I have ever known, and while my brother took a little longer than I would have liked, he finally got his shit together and I couldn’t be more proud. When my car broke down, even from over an hour away, I had the support. It was things like that that make me miss home the most. I don’t get much time to go home, and I never really realize how much it bothers me until things like this come up. I’m usually just to busy to notice.

I really spent my morning thinking about friendships, though. That’s the part that is seemingly a revolving door in my life. Sometimes it’s my fault, sometimes it’s not. Well, I guess I can go ahead and say it’s always my fault. I say that because I tend to trust people too easily. I tend to care more than I should, and while it works for a while, at some point it gets to me. It’s very rare to find someone who gives you just as much as you give them, and it takes me up until that moment to weed out the people who don’t give me what I give to them. They may hate me now, and there’s very few people in that category who I care whether they hate me or not, but it happens for a reason. It seems that even in these times, when you lose everything, you gain so much more. I always thought that was cliché until this semester. I had the chance to get closer to people I already had in my life, and become better friends with people who should have been there all along. My life took a while to balance out, but now, at least for the moment, it is.

It’s nice, though I don’t wish it on anyone, to finally have people I’m close to who understand what I’m going through and have or are going through the same things. I have one close friend from school, whom I spend almost all day, every day with. We are the lame ones who tried to get as many classes together as possible, but I’m so thankful for it. I get to see her every day, and whether we’re laughing, or crying, or having serious conversations, we’re always there for each other. She’s one of those people I wish knew how amazing she was, and never settled for less than what she’s worth. You know, one of those friends who’s been through enough in her life that you just want to give her the world. Through everything I’ve gone through this year, she’s listened, gave advice, and never judged me. It was so refreshing, and so when things got bad, I never felt that down about it. I knew I always had someone, and I can’t thank her enough for that.

Then, there is my other half. We took a little while to become friends over the summer, but now that we are I have no idea how life existed without her. She is the funniest, brightest, most talented person I think I have ever met. The first day I ever actually hung out with her, I shared with her things I haven’t told people before. I don’t think she’ll ever realize how truly amazing she is, but my god. She’s my hero (second to my sister, of course). When I was panicking about my car, in tears and not breathing, she fixed everything without me asking. She didn’t talk me through it, she just immediately set up someone to fix it and for a lot cheaper than what I thought I had to do. She’s what I’ve always looked for, someone who gives as much as she gets. I’ll go ahead and speak for both of us to say that we love our friendship equally because we give and take equally. She got me a job that I love, and I’m always down for her adventures. She talks me through my insanity, and I can do the same for her. For eva :)
Bah, so what is the point of my rambling? I was getting ready for school this morning and thought how I’d have ever gotten through the situation I’m in without my boyfriend, my family, and my other half, and the answer is I wouldn’t. I sometimes feel all alone in the world, because no one really has ever accepted me for who I am; faulted, emotional, usually blows things out of proportion, beaten down, used to failure. I have that group of people around me, and even the worse doesn’t seem so bad.

So when I get this depressed feeling, I want to look at this blog, and realize what I have as opposed to what I don’t have.


And what I have is amazing. So thank you for being a part of it.